(no subject)

Forgot to write something:
Did really well with my eating yesterday until I had a cup of hot chocolate about 11pm. Felt disgusted with myself straight away and started feeling like I was going to be sick. It's funny, I seem to have developed a reaction to certain 'danger' foods that make me feel nauseous almost immediately. It seems like I don't even have to make myself vomit anymore, my body has fallen into a pattern and can almost induce it alone. But, anyway, I lay on the beanbag in the kitchen rubbing my generously-proportioned belly for a while but it was really starting to hurt. I had to go to the toilet. I only had to touch my fingers to the back of my mouth. My stomach was ready to let go.

On the other hand, the book I bought really might be helpful. I need to photocopy some sheets so I can keep track of all my eating and binge and purge episodes for two weeks. Even if nothing goods comes of it, at least I can see if there is a pattern.

Still feel like a failure though. I am, indeed, an anal fissure in the ass crack of humanity.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

War of Nutrition

Just did my first exam of the semester. I only have 2 so that statement doesn't have much weight. However, one of the questions was on the circulatory and respiration system (</i>compare and contrast those of insects and mammals...yadda yadda yadda</i>) and I was in the process of writing about how mammals have an extremelely complex system of organs all functioning interdependently to create the whole. So, in other words, the heart needs the lungs to supply it with oxygen but the lungs need the heart to supply them with blood. And then something funny happened and I had a visualisation of this heart and this set of lungs, both with facial features, shouting at each other. Which got me to thinking - what if your heart and your lungs decided to wage war against each other? Imagine, this terrible battle ground that is your chest cavity. What monstrous plans could they devise to try and trick each other?

So, it's just as well really that my organs all seem fairly peace loving. Apart from my stomach, he's a dick.

And now I am off to write an essay that was due in last Wednesday. I am exceedingly tired and will probably attempt to procrastinate as much as possible but will eventually and inevitably have to stay up until about 4am to get it finished. Oh, uni life, tis so hard.

  • Current Music
    Counting Crows - Anna Begins

Garden Peas

Someone is in my carrel again. In fact, someone is in every carrel in the whole library. How do they expect me to surreptisiously eat my smuggled in lunch if I can't hide myself away in a carrel?

A thought: Dinosaurs always get bad press for being stupid because they had very small brains in proportion to the rest of their bodies (i.e. pea or nut sized). But what if you were a pea with the brain the size of a pea?

Got a package from Amazon today. I ordered Vegan Feasts by Rose Elliot which looks like it's going to become a firm favourite. I absolutely love cookbooks, I think I have about 10 vegan/veggies ones by now. I also got a book about bulimia. It's like a workbook with sheets to photocopy and fill in. So, we'll see how that goes. Sometimes I think I like being like this, I enjoy the feeling of having an empty stomach. I tell myself it's good to feel hungry. I really just want to be happy. I don't want to be jealous of every girl that walks past me. I want to be confident in my relationships. And I really want to have a good relationship with food. Because I really like cooking and I really love food.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm

The Anti-Cute Brigade

I love it when you pick up a puppy or a kitten or some other kind of small cute animal under their front legs and they wriggle and squirm.

I love animals and think they are all beautiful or cute. Beautiful makes sense to me - it's like art. It should serve no purpose except to be beautiful or thought-provoking and should have it's own intrinsic value. A tiger lying in front of the setting sun is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. This gorgeous majestic beast, relaxed with his paws pushed out in front of him, a slight breeze rippling his thick, soft fur and the sunlight, all oranges and reds and pinks, behind him, framing the image forever in my mind. I wonder if anyone else saw this tiger like that and if it stuck with them like it did me.

So, some animals are beautiful and some are cute. Some are both I guess but that's too complicated for me to write about just now. What's the point in animals being cute? I've had this discussion a couple of times and finding something cute is such a pointless emotion! Think about it - if you see a guy or girl who you think is cute, that's sexual attraction and serves the purpose of procreation and having kids but I don't find kittens sexually attractive and I hope nobody else out there does either! When you see a cute animal, you go "awwww, it's soooooo cute! Look at it! Why is it so cute?!" but what purpose does that feeling serve?

So, I have decided that I hate cute things. In fact, when I see something really unbelievably adorably cute, I want to kill it for being so damn cute and making me feel that pointless emotion. Damn you, cute animals of the world, damn you all!!!

  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

This is what happens, this is what

always fucking happens!

Earlier on I was feeling really good, pretty upbeat and generally positive (although a little stressed). Now I feel alone, paranoid, disgusting, worthless and ugly. Why do I always have to swing from one mood to the other. I hate it. One little thing can trigger me off, and it can be anything.

Fuck you bulimia, fuck you!

  • Current Mood
    angry angry

(no subject)

Sell You Beautiful

Look who’s got a new nose
Plastic lips and fake tits
Ever tasted silicon?
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Look who is the best dressed
Oh my gosh the worst hair
Who designed that mink coat?
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Guess who’s got a new car?
Bet she dates a rockstar
I wanna make a million
I’ve got lies in my mouth

Eyeshadow and glitter gold
Diamond rings and lip syncs
Anything material
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Baby, you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with looking like the magazines
Make myself throw up
But it’s all right cause one day
I know I’ll be fine like everyone else

Music played to advertise
Logo shirts and hair styles
Chop and cut monopolize
I’ve got scars in my mouth
Worship to the cash cow
Nod your head now take a bow
Faking grins and cleft chins
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Baby you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with livin like celebrities
Make myself throw up
With staple skin and back stab flattery
I’m coughin it up

Hey, little darlin'
I’ll sell you the definition
If you follow me through
Pages and channels of deceit
where everyone is perfect
And nobody grows old
Relax in the ignorance of images
Cause beautiful is what we’re sellin...

It's not how you feel
It's only how you look!

- Rx Bandits

Quite ironic how I agree with everything this song is saying and yet am utterly disgusted when I look in the mirror, spend ridiculous amounts of money on make-up and beauty products and shove my fingers down my throat after meals. I just wish I could look in the mirror and not care. Or even better be happy. I doubt it's ever going to happen.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad


I need to write in this more often but I am seriously lacking in the motivation stakes recently. Which isn't helpful as I have a lot of work to do for the end of semester. Still looking for somewhere to live next year as well although I picked up the number for a promising-looking abode today.

Passed my final stats test today. I missed it because I was in hospital and I'd forgotten how to do everything but it turned out to be easy. I have a religious studies essay due in next week and an exam in about 10 days so I can't slack off yet. The essay should be pretty interesting. I'm getting to read books like Explorations in Theology and Film and Religion, Myth and Ideology in Popular American Film by people with names like Conrad E. Ostwalt Jr. and Gaye Ortiz. It makes a pleasant change from reading about the differences between red and brown algae and the digestion tracts of nematodes.

I'm still feeling a little isolated. My moods have subsided somewhat into a sort of distant sense of unease or sadness. I'm still working through a few issues with Alli (not that he knows this as I'm doing it all in my head) but...I don't know, I'll just have to see how it goes. I'm one of those people with so many neurosis anyway that I don't think I'm ever truly comfortable.

I discovered a new found respect for John Kerry today. I'll always choose a Democrat over a Republican (even though I'm not American and so have no say whatsoever in the matter - pretty much like the electorate has no say whatsoever in British politics. Or Americans actually, while we're on the subject...). But anyway, I was reading New Scientist in the library (yes, that's right, I enjoy reading about science) and they had an article on religious beliefs and scientific research and practice and the laws governing these areas. Apparently, despite him attending church regularly and being a devoted Catholic, he is pro-choice, pro-stem cell research and voted against a law (which was of course supported by that fuckwit Bush) that would make it a double murder to kill a woman who was pregnant (from the day of conception). Anyway, to get to the point, although Kerry's personal stance is against abortion etc, he also has the intelligence to realise that he should not force his religious views on other people (listen up Bush!). This recognition of personal and individual dignity and choice is something yet to be realised by the majority of the US government and religious devouts in general.

Ooh, I love it when my brain is working so fast that my fingers can hardly keep up and my hands are tripping over themselves to get the words out. I always enjoying adding new entries to my journal when I'm in a mood like that.

This is a pretty long post so I should probably cease, stop procrastinating and get some work done. Until next time, much love, Sq

Happy Beltane!

  • Current Music
    I would like to be listening to: Themselves - The No Music

The one I've been trying to put off

This isn't really the best place for me to be writing this post as I'm surrounded by people who can quite easily read it. However, I've been avoiding discussing this for a couple of weeks and I want to get this out of my system.

I need some kind of catharsis now that I've done it. I'm not pregnant. I've been to the hospital three times over the last 2 weeks and it's done. Alli came with me all three times. I don't know how people do it by themselves, I had to have him there. He rubbed my back for me when I was in pain, lying in my hospital bed with starched crispy sheets, feeling pale and small. He bought me a copy of Cosmo to read too and kept returning with bottles of ice tea and bananas and packets of prawn cocktail crisps. He looked so concerned when I was in pain. And it was painful, I actually felt my eyes rolling back in my head at one point. I could have had painkillers but I always find that the pain stops before they had a chance to work. Or I fall asleep, which usually happens first. I was so scared but the nurses were kind and had that soothing bedside manner they seem so adept at. I got by on the vegan additions to my food tray for most of the day but when they brought me some kind of sago/semolina thing for dinner I couldn't stop myself eating it. So I broke my vegan habit for a bowl of something most people despise. But I really needed it at the time.

I'm still feeling fragile. I can't express my emotions though. I seem to range between relief, emptiness, sadness, loneliness and confusion. I'm confused because I don't understand why I feel sad. I wanted to do this. I don't believe that what I did was wrong, it wasn't killing, it wasn't a living thing. It was a little bunch of differentiated cells, only about 1cm long. Or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself. But I guess what I feel the most is just...'different'

I wish I could tell my flatmates. But I live with six other people (plus 3 significant others and a whole horde of friends that seem to come around eating our food every few days). It's too many and now it's too late. I wish I knew someone else who had been through this, just to see if they feel the same. I hope this feeling goes away.

I wonder if I should tell Alli. But he's going through so much. And we came so close to splitting up recently, I don't want to push him away or make him feel guilty. I can't stop thinking that he wanted to split up though and that he would have let me go through all this by myself. And I really really don't want to have thoughts like that it my head. My brain is full but I feel empty.

But, whatever happens, it's done now and nothing can change that fact.
  • Current Music
    Cannibal Ox - Raspberry Fields

You are a dirty peado!

I found this article when I was searching for stuff on religion and consumerism. I thought it was pretty funny.

Check it out

I fucking hate the Olsen twins. Precious multi-millionare children should be shot.
  • Current Music
    Evan Dando - In the Grass All Wine Colored