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[11 May 2004|12:20pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Forgot to write something:
Did really well with my eating yesterday until I had a cup of hot chocolate about 11pm. Felt disgusted with myself straight away and started feeling like I was going to be sick. It's funny, I seem to have developed a reaction to certain 'danger' foods that make me feel nauseous almost immediately. It seems like I don't even have to make myself vomit anymore, my body has fallen into a pattern and can almost induce it alone. But, anyway, I lay on the beanbag in the kitchen rubbing my generously-proportioned belly for a while but it was really starting to hurt. I had to go to the toilet. I only had to touch my fingers to the back of my mouth. My stomach was ready to let go.

On the other hand, the book I bought really might be helpful. I need to photocopy some sheets so I can keep track of all my eating and binge and purge episodes for two weeks. Even if nothing goods comes of it, at least I can see if there is a pattern.

Still feel like a failure though. I am, indeed, an anal fissure in the ass crack of humanity.
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War of Nutrition [11 May 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Just did my first exam of the semester. I only have 2 so that statement doesn't have much weight. However, one of the questions was on the circulatory and respiration system (</i>compare and contrast those of insects and mammals...yadda yadda yadda</i>) and I was in the process of writing about how mammals have an extremelely complex system of organs all functioning interdependently to create the whole. So, in other words, the heart needs the lungs to supply it with oxygen but the lungs need the heart to supply them with blood. And then something funny happened and I had a visualisation of this heart and this set of lungs, both with facial features, shouting at each other. Which got me to thinking - what if your heart and your lungs decided to wage war against each other? Imagine, this terrible battle ground that is your chest cavity. What monstrous plans could they devise to try and trick each other?

So, it's just as well really that my organs all seem fairly peace loving. Apart from my stomach, he's a dick.

And now I am off to write an essay that was due in last Wednesday. I am exceedingly tired and will probably attempt to procrastinate as much as possible but will eventually and inevitably have to stay up until about 4am to get it finished. Oh, uni life, tis so hard.

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Garden Peas [05 May 2004|02:20pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Someone is in my carrel again. In fact, someone is in every carrel in the whole library. How do they expect me to surreptisiously eat my smuggled in lunch if I can't hide myself away in a carrel?

A thought: Dinosaurs always get bad press for being stupid because they had very small brains in proportion to the rest of their bodies (i.e. pea or nut sized). But what if you were a pea with the brain the size of a pea?

Got a package from Amazon today. I ordered Vegan Feasts by Rose Elliot which looks like it's going to become a firm favourite. I absolutely love cookbooks, I think I have about 10 vegan/veggies ones by now. I also got a book about bulimia. It's like a workbook with sheets to photocopy and fill in. So, we'll see how that goes. Sometimes I think I like being like this, I enjoy the feeling of having an empty stomach. I tell myself it's good to feel hungry. I really just want to be happy. I don't want to be jealous of every girl that walks past me. I want to be confident in my relationships. And I really want to have a good relationship with food. Because I really like cooking and I really love food.
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The Anti-Cute Brigade [03 May 2004|05:05pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I love it when you pick up a puppy or a kitten or some other kind of small cute animal under their front legs and they wriggle and squirm.

I love animals and think they are all beautiful or cute. Beautiful makes sense to me - it's like art. It should serve no purpose except to be beautiful or thought-provoking and should have it's own intrinsic value. A tiger lying in front of the setting sun is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. This gorgeous majestic beast, relaxed with his paws pushed out in front of him, a slight breeze rippling his thick, soft fur and the sunlight, all oranges and reds and pinks, behind him, framing the image forever in my mind. I wonder if anyone else saw this tiger like that and if it stuck with them like it did me.

So, some animals are beautiful and some are cute. Some are both I guess but that's too complicated for me to write about just now. What's the point in animals being cute? I've had this discussion a couple of times and finding something cute is such a pointless emotion! Think about it - if you see a guy or girl who you think is cute, that's sexual attraction and serves the purpose of procreation and having kids but I don't find kittens sexually attractive and I hope nobody else out there does either! When you see a cute animal, you go "awwww, it's soooooo cute! Look at it! Why is it so cute?!" but what purpose does that feeling serve?

So, I have decided that I hate cute things. In fact, when I see something really unbelievably adorably cute, I want to kill it for being so damn cute and making me feel that pointless emotion. Damn you, cute animals of the world, damn you all!!!

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[30 Apr 2004|05:47pm]
[ mood | angry ]

This is what happens, this is what

always fucking happens!

Earlier on I was feeling really good, pretty upbeat and generally positive (although a little stressed). Now I feel alone, paranoid, disgusting, worthless and ugly. Why do I always have to swing from one mood to the other. I hate it. One little thing can trigger me off, and it can be anything.

Fuck you bulimia, fuck you!

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[30 Apr 2004|05:10pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Sell You Beautiful

Look who’s got a new nose
Plastic lips and fake tits
Ever tasted silicon?
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Look who is the best dressed
Oh my gosh the worst hair
Who designed that mink coat?
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Guess who’s got a new car?
Bet she dates a rockstar
I wanna make a million
I’ve got lies in my mouth

Eyeshadow and glitter gold
Diamond rings and lip syncs
Anything material
I’ve got scars on my eyes

Baby, you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with looking like the magazines
Make myself throw up
But it’s all right cause one day
I know I’ll be fine like everyone else

Music played to advertise
Logo shirts and hair styles
Chop and cut monopolize
I’ve got scars in my mouth
Worship to the cash cow
Nod your head now take a bow
Faking grins and cleft chins
I’ve got stars in my eyes

Baby you know if you’re not beautiful
Just cover it up
With make-up kits and perforated scalpel seams
We’ll do you right up
I’m so obsessed with livin like celebrities
Make myself throw up
With staple skin and back stab flattery
I’m coughin it up

Hey, little darlin'
I’ll sell you the definition
If you follow me through
Pages and channels of deceit
where everyone is perfect
And nobody grows old
Relax in the ignorance of images
Cause beautiful is what we’re sellin...

It's not how you feel
It's only how you look!

- Rx Bandits

Quite ironic how I agree with everything this song is saying and yet am utterly disgusted when I look in the mirror, spend ridiculous amounts of money on make-up and beauty products and shove my fingers down my throat after meals. I just wish I could look in the mirror and not care. Or even better be happy. I doubt it's ever going to happen.
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Bollox [30 Apr 2004|03:31pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I need to write in this more often but I am seriously lacking in the motivation stakes recently. Which isn't helpful as I have a lot of work to do for the end of semester. Still looking for somewhere to live next year as well although I picked up the number for a promising-looking abode today.

Passed my final stats test today. I missed it because I was in hospital and I'd forgotten how to do everything but it turned out to be easy. I have a religious studies essay due in next week and an exam in about 10 days so I can't slack off yet. The essay should be pretty interesting. I'm getting to read books like Explorations in Theology and Film and Religion, Myth and Ideology in Popular American Film by people with names like Conrad E. Ostwalt Jr. and Gaye Ortiz. It makes a pleasant change from reading about the differences between red and brown algae and the digestion tracts of nematodes.

I'm still feeling a little isolated. My moods have subsided somewhat into a sort of distant sense of unease or sadness. I'm still working through a few issues with Alli (not that he knows this as I'm doing it all in my head) but...I don't know, I'll just have to see how it goes. I'm one of those people with so many neurosis anyway that I don't think I'm ever truly comfortable.

I discovered a new found respect for John Kerry today. I'll always choose a Democrat over a Republican (even though I'm not American and so have no say whatsoever in the matter - pretty much like the electorate has no say whatsoever in British politics. Or Americans actually, while we're on the subject...). But anyway, I was reading New Scientist in the library (yes, that's right, I enjoy reading about science) and they had an article on religious beliefs and scientific research and practice and the laws governing these areas. Apparently, despite him attending church regularly and being a devoted Catholic, he is pro-choice, pro-stem cell research and voted against a law (which was of course supported by that fuckwit Bush) that would make it a double murder to kill a woman who was pregnant (from the day of conception). Anyway, to get to the point, although Kerry's personal stance is against abortion etc, he also has the intelligence to realise that he should not force his religious views on other people (listen up Bush!). This recognition of personal and individual dignity and choice is something yet to be realised by the majority of the US government and religious devouts in general.

Ooh, I love it when my brain is working so fast that my fingers can hardly keep up and my hands are tripping over themselves to get the words out. I always enjoying adding new entries to my journal when I'm in a mood like that.

This is a pretty long post so I should probably cease, stop procrastinating and get some work done. Until next time, much love, Sq

Happy Beltane!

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The one I've been trying to put off [19 Apr 2004|12:20pm]
[ mood | unsure ]

This isn't really the best place for me to be writing this post as I'm surrounded by people who can quite easily read it. However, I've been avoiding discussing this for a couple of weeks and I want to get this out of my system.

I need some kind of catharsis now that I've done it. I'm not pregnant. I've been to the hospital three times over the last 2 weeks and it's done. Alli came with me all three times. I don't know how people do it by themselves, I had to have him there. He rubbed my back for me when I was in pain, lying in my hospital bed with starched crispy sheets, feeling pale and small. He bought me a copy of Cosmo to read too and kept returning with bottles of ice tea and bananas and packets of prawn cocktail crisps. He looked so concerned when I was in pain. And it was painful, I actually felt my eyes rolling back in my head at one point. I could have had painkillers but I always find that the pain stops before they had a chance to work. Or I fall asleep, which usually happens first. I was so scared but the nurses were kind and had that soothing bedside manner they seem so adept at. I got by on the vegan additions to my food tray for most of the day but when they brought me some kind of sago/semolina thing for dinner I couldn't stop myself eating it. So I broke my vegan habit for a bowl of something most people despise. But I really needed it at the time.

I'm still feeling fragile. I can't express my emotions though. I seem to range between relief, emptiness, sadness, loneliness and confusion. I'm confused because I don't understand why I feel sad. I wanted to do this. I don't believe that what I did was wrong, it wasn't killing, it wasn't a living thing. It was a little bunch of differentiated cells, only about 1cm long. Or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself. But I guess what I feel the most is just...'different'

I wish I could tell my flatmates. But I live with six other people (plus 3 significant others and a whole horde of friends that seem to come around eating our food every few days). It's too many and now it's too late. I wish I knew someone else who had been through this, just to see if they feel the same. I hope this feeling goes away.

I wonder if I should tell Alli. But he's going through so much. And we came so close to splitting up recently, I don't want to push him away or make him feel guilty. I can't stop thinking that he wanted to split up though and that he would have let me go through all this by myself. And I really really don't want to have thoughts like that it my head. My brain is full but I feel empty.

But, whatever happens, it's done now and nothing can change that fact.
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You are a dirty peado! [09 Apr 2004|11:31am]
[ mood | amused ]

I found this article when I was searching for stuff on religion and consumerism. I thought it was pretty funny.

Check it out

I fucking hate the Olsen twins. Precious multi-millionare children should be shot.
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[01 Apr 2004|11:20am]
[ mood | calm ]

My journal says I'm 50% masculine.
What does your LJ writing style say about your gender?
LJ Gender Tool by hutta

And look what else:
This site is certified 37% EVIL by the Gematriculator
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This moment of complexity [01 Apr 2004|11:14am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I just came from speaking to the course coordinator of my Religious Studies classes. I wanted to ask for an extension on my essay but apparently I have to go and see my current lecturer. However, my last essay went to this guy and he just told me that it was the best essay out of the whole lot. I thought it was rubbish. I actually thought it might fail because I had to hand it in so late. But, no, apparently it was excellent and he thought out of everyone who handed in essays, I grasped the question and the point the best. A 1A is a perfect answer and a 1B is just off that. I would have got a 1B for it but instead I lost 3 grades (for six days lateness) and I got a 2B (which is still a good mark). 1B is the highest mark he has ever given anyone and that was only once before.

Damn that essay must have been fucking good.
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Purgatorium [29 Mar 2004|01:59pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I'm pregnant and I'm having an abortion. I am pro-choice but I still cry every night when everyone else is drifting off to dreams about giant cats and meeting famous people. I bought the pregancy test on Monday last week. When I used it, I put it on the bathroom sink and stared at the ground. I couldn't bring myself to look at it for the fear of the blue lines forming a plus sign. And when I finally looked up, they did. A blue cross. One of the worst moments of my life.

Alli lay on my bed with and we didn't talk for what seemed like infinity. All I wanted to do was curl up smaller and tighter until I disappeared.

I registered with the medical centre on campus the next day and saw a doctor the day after that. Now I have an appointment to see a health visitor on Thursday and a hospital appointment for Tuesday the 6th. I'm trying not to think about it but I can't concentrate on anything else. I haven't told any of my friends so the people I surround myself don't know. I find it hard to express my feelings to other people but that's not really the problem. I don't actually have much to talk about; my feelings are all internalised and they still don't make sense in my own head. And this is going to happen no matter what I say.

I've started making myself sick again. The old fail safe when I feel like things are slipping through my fingers. Right now I feel like I'm being spun around in tornado but in my moments of purging I find a little clarity and reach the eye of the storm. And, for some bizarre reason, that one moment is worth it before the guilt and disgust set in.

And, of course I know that it's not healthy. I know it's not physically good for you or pshycologically (can't spell) healing but it feels like something I have to do. And I can't keep away from the pro-mia communities either even though these are probably the most damaging thing for me.

But right now, I can't stop. And I don't think I want to.
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I think not baby puppy. [23 Mar 2004|02:24pm]
[ mood | amused ]

You're Perfect ^^
You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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You talking to me? [22 Mar 2004|01:02pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

Brutal fucking gunshots. That scene where the guy get's shot in the face like 7 times. Nasty, bloody stuff.

I watched Taxi Driver in my pitiful excuse for a student flat yesterday. I really enjoyed it. Robert De Niro is just such an exceptional actor, I don't understand why he does so many pish movies these days. Surely he doesn't need the money? And he must be a respected enough artist to hang back and only accept films he's really into. You would think anyway. Can't believe Jodie Foster was only 12 when they filmed it, there was alot of controversy surrounding that fact apparently (what with her being a prostitute and all).

And doesn't Harvey Keitel look funny with long hair? I've always thought of him as one of those 'forever-old' people. But, yeah, it was a great film.

We've got The Happiness of the Katakuris to watch tonight. It's a crazy Japanese zombie horror spoof of the Sound of Music. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Ooh, and I got a recipe for vegan key lime pie. Check it out

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Walt Disney the Nazi [22 Mar 2004|12:27pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Belle! The quiet, intellectual type... You enjoy
reading books and learning. Ugh when will those
competitive jocks ever get the clue that you
don't care about them? You're true love may be
heartless on the outside, but deep down, his
hearts on fire for you.

*Which Disney princess are you?*
brought to you by Quizilla

I hate the Disney coporation. They are evil. So, it really sucks that I like their Classics so much. I think I probably know every word to Aladdin and the Lion King. And pretty much every word to Beauty and the Beast too. Darn.
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Who am I? [17 Mar 2004|01:52pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Then you are a vegan.
It is pronounced VEE-gun, not VEH-jun.
You do not consume meat, poultry, fish, dairy, eggs or even honey.

You live lightly on the earth.

I like to live lightly.
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Hello? Is it me you're looking for? [17 Mar 2004|01:16pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

In the library again. This year is turning into a library-fest, I'm thinking about setting up camp in one of the carrels on the top floor. Or more accurately, my carrel.
[If you are wondering what a carrel is a) I am probably not spelling it right and b) it's a little room with a door, a window and a desk and chair. They're like a cell for solitary confinement.]
On to the desk I have inscribed the words Squirrel Loves Alli and also Abba Are Emo. Thereby this carrel is mine and I get upset when other people are in it.

Ode to 57
Aaah, number 57, how many hours have I confined myself in thee? How many Luna Bars and Vimto lollies have been consumed within those minimalist and yet althogether comforting walls? How many ass grooves have been left in your oh-so-sophisticated metal and leathery-vinyl seat?
If only you could talk number 57, ho ho, what laughs we could share.
But instead you stand white and tall and silent.
And keep me in my studious cell,
with only the view and the
scratching of my pencil
for company.

See, number 57 is mine. Don't people understand this? I don't like using number 55, it's not the same! Number 55 doesn't have Abba Are Emo written on the desk. Number 55 doesn't have the same view of the footpath, the loch and the residences. Number 55 isn't number 57! Bah, maybe tomorrow...
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You fucking plum! [17 Mar 2004|10:13am]
[ mood | amused ]

What a prick

I love Spaced
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Animal Rights and Human Wrongs [11 Mar 2004|08:54pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Just finished excavating the library for material for my religious studies essay. It's a really interesting topic (virtual reality, postmodernism, cyberethics, death of religion, network culture.....) but I'm tired and the library can get a little creepy when no one else is around.

Me and Rachel finally sorted out the Amnesty International board we are in charge of up at the uni atrium. It looks mighty fine but I'm wondering how long it will be until some drunken dumb-witted fool rips some of the posters down. Rachel put a lot of effort into it as well, she's very artistic. I wish I could make my writing and random scripples look as good as she can. There's something very enigmatic about people who draw i think. Or not so much just drawing but a certain time of disjointed art. Rachel does really strange doodles (just like my dad) and writes what most people would see as 'odd' verses. I find it very appealing in a person though. Wish I had something like that.

Still worried about Alli. We are not going to be able to go travelling in summer. I was looking forward to seeing Prague again. But more concerning is that he might drop out of uni. Which would be an all round disaster. But, we shall see.
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Bereka [11 Mar 2004|05:09pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I'm feeling a little like I backstabbed my friend in that last post. I've been thinking about it and I really shouldn't be so bitter. I don't think she really meant it, she just had to say something - really for her own benefit rather than for the people she was talking to.
And I think she is going to go back to being a vegan soon. We had a talk about it, I gave her my copy of Animal Liberation to look over and she even said she found it really wierd and almost shameful that she was buying non-vegan food. And after all, if it makes her a vegan for longer and she's happy, it can't be all bad.

Me personally, I'm saving up my vegan holiday for a generous slice of key lime pie.
Oh mama....
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